beautiful_uncertainty's Xanga

lets make a trade

Wed, 10 May 2006 00:28:46 GMT

so, i'm a little tired of being me right now. does anybody wanna trade? preferably some one who's like 5 and just about to enter kindegarten. that'd be great, just let me know.

trace

Yeah...so

Mon, 01 May 2006 21:41:03 GMT

Do you ever wonder why you don't just listen to yourself sometimes?

me too.

Wise words form my buddy Nelson

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 10:27:46 GMT

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
- Nelson Mandela

It's time to stop thinking that giving up on myself is okay, no matter the state of others. It's time to begin thinking everyday that it is my job to make myself better, and through that do the same to those around me, not in light of comparison, but in light of the fact that God calls me to do so. It's time to stop being scared of childlike authenticity. God made me(us) authentically fabulous. Inadequacy is not the question, the question is improvement. God is trusting me to be a servant of the Gospel, inadequacy is not an option. It's just time.

Unreality

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 21:55:25 GMT

In a crowded room full of fellow Johnson county joes and joannes i felt all alone while stumbling across the realization that i was pretending. and if i was pretending, there was a good chance that many of the people around me were pretending. are we all pretending? here, especially in our little Christian world, we put so much stock in transparency and discuss how we admire those who are so very "real" and we hate "posers", but it seems to me that really very few of us even strive for that. Instead we strive to have a perfect or close to life that would make it so much easier for us to be real instead of the closeness to Christ that would make us okay with our "real" selves regardless. I think often as a psuedo-leader i feel it a responsibility to put on a smile and act like i love everything and everyone and every once in a while allow myself to fall into the arms of my mentors and those leaders above me that i "know" have it all under control. In reality, these leaders and people i hold in such high regard don't have it all together and i am aware of this (so if you are one of these people reading this, don't feel as if i am making you pretend. i look up to you regardless) They seem to handle themselves so much better and i sure much of this has come with age and experience and their hearts that are seeking diligently after Christ. I know even some of my most revered mentors struggle with this as well though. The question i am asking of myself and anyone who wishes to respond is how does the church grow as a body of believers, and how do we enter the throne room of God with a mask on, with this stench of fakeness coming from all of us? I don't believe we can. So then the real question becomes how to we cure this need of a masquerade to function?

Broken

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 01:11:31 GMT

So...yeah. it stings. and the hardest part is that i'm called to be gracious. grace is a funny thing. it's always so easy to recieve, but so hard to give, and i love to give.

my heart does not give out love like a pez dispencer,

simply pull the head back and out pops the good stuff.

It's more like a gumball machine.

The only way to something good out

without putting something good in is to break the glass.

Once the glass breaks, they're all over the floor.

................It's time to pick up the pieces.

God, when i asked you to break me, i didn't know this was what i had asked for.

Balance

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 13:36:32 GMT

Balanced.

Well Rounded.

Proportional.

Stabilized.

Level-headed.

Unvarying.

Uniform.

i am none of these.

God help me find the balance you desire for my life. Teach me how to say yes when i can and no when i can't. Teach me to serve without neglect. To use my time to the best of your advantage and no one elses. Teach me how to love like you loved. To seek you first and let everything else fall into place behind me. i wanna be more like you. i want to be in you. Let me think your thoughts and let the desires of my heart match yours.

Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

uncertainty.

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 03:28:29 GMT

i don't have to have all the answers. i don't even have to pretend i have them!

i'm not as anything as you think i am, rather a lot more nothing, but my nothingness lets I AM speak volumes through and to who i'm becoming.

God make me absolutely nothing, so you can be absolutely everything.

Bienvenidos

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 02:00:04 GMT

welcome to my new digs.